RETRO-RANK: “Tremors 4: Three Tremors Too Many!”

Originally posted September 29, 2007.

This isn’t so much a review as a rant about a movie franchise that shouldn’t have happened. Because of this, I shall never remember Michael Gross as the dad off of Family Ties. Jump on the Rant-train to Rantsville as I go on about Tremors.

This proves that sandsnakes love Bacon.

OK…these past few weeks I’ve been busy with various things…wondering when the new baby would arrive, fixing my car, going to the hospital for the birth of my lil’ one, worrying about my physical state (turns out that I’m still ok), and learning how to care for a little child (it’s awesome when they cuddle up to you…)…during these past 4 weeks, I always found myself up at about 2am on Friday watching the Space channel’s Friday Fright movie. 

Three weeks ago it was Tremors. You all remember Tremors right? It was that 1990 horror flic starring Kevin Bacon, Kris Kristofferson, Reba McIntyre, and Michael Gross (Michael Keaton from Family Ties fame). It involved this little run down town in the middle of the desert called Perfection that ended up getting terrorized by these giant elephant-sized man-eating car-crushing house-demolishing worms that lived underground. They hunted by feeling the vibrations of where you walked. Great flick! Scary the first time you see it. And incredibly creative. Recommend it for anyone who hasn’t seen it.

Two weeks ago, on the same channel I find Tremors 2:Aftershock. I’ve seen this “straight to video” movie before expecting a good time…my first clue that it wasn’t going to be a wild ride was that the only star to reprise a role was Michael Gross. We’re in the same town again. This time the underground monsters are back…this time they’re called Graboids (horrible name)…and this time the worms turn out to just be pods that give birth to packs of these two legged hyena things that hunt by sound only. Yes…it gets worse. These little two legged things multiply a la Gremlins except when you feed them…and that they apparently can sense heat like infrared. So…this was a bad movie that should’ve killed the series…it didn’t…it got much worse.

One week ago: I’m surprised to see Tremors 3: Back to Perfection. Michael Gross is back in Perfection to find that the town has gone Graboid crazy!!! The town has turned into a cheap promotion spot luring tourists to catch a glimpse of the worms like looking for whales on the ocean. So the worms are back…so are the little hyena things…and THEY mutate into these flying creatures which are called…I couldn’t make this up…”Ass-Blasters” because they can now fly and shoot fire from their butts. It ends with the last Ass-Blaster being eaten by a friendly albino Graboid…yes…you read that right. That should’ve been the end of this crazy series…but it wasn’t…sigh…

Tonight…lo and behold…Tremors 4: The Legend Begins. But it really shouldn’t have. We go back to somewhere in the 1800s and the town of Perfection (called Rejection) has a silver mine owned by the ancestor of Michael Gross’s earlier character…also played by Michael Gross. The mine is attacked by the worms for the first time EVER!!! (Forget about the first movie that was supposed to be the first time…this one is the REAL first forgotten time) Yep…predictable…boring…and I can’t believe I watched the whole thing…and a little part of me has died inside. 

And get this!!! There’s a Tremors 5 in the works…if there’s a God in Heaven…or some kind of higher being watching over us like the Director in the Truman Show…or a grand and great Wizard of Oz…please oh please don’t let this movie happen…I beg of you!!!! [RETRO-NOTE: Prayers answered. This has been shelved.]

End rant.