The Rankatron Ranks The Oscars

27 02 2011

Bow ties make anything look better.

 

It’s officially here!

Oscars Eve!

Did I finish ALL of the 10 movies? Technically, yes. Is there an actual review for all of them? No. There’s one glaring exception: Inception.

Let’s be honest with Inception. This was the Matrix for a new generation. A movie that holds up better in theatres with massive screens the size of Jupiter’s Moon, Io, and digital sound systems that you make Stevie Wonder sit up and say “what was that?” than on the small screen. I still intend on doing a review of Inception but I’ve reserved the right to mull it over and watch it a second time. Hence the delay in the review. But I will give you the Inception review next week. It really doesn’t matter…it’s not going to win tomorrow night. Sorry DiCaprio.

So how does this work? Now that I’ve taken an equivalent of nearly 2 days of my life to watch these…excluding the time it took to write the review, find cool pics and vids, and draw some admittedly silly cartoons (to me)…I’m going to do something that the Oscars can’t do. Keep it short and to the point.

I will now rank the Ten movies in order of pure AWESOME-TUDE! These will not necessarily be what the Academy picks tomorrow night…but these will be in gauged based on the most entertainment value, story depth and universality of the subject (y’know…so everyone can watch).

Before I get right into it, let me just say that for the first time in YEARS, every single movie on this list is truth-to-power-above fun to watch…but in different and unique ways. I remember one glaring Best Picture movie years ago that was so boring to watch, I had to split it between three viewings to get through it. I won’t share with you the title just to protect the anonymity of those talented individual involved but I will say that it rhymes with “There Will Be Blood”.

The Rankatron Oscars List (2011 Edition): – And it’s in reverse, MOFOS!!!! Just to mess ya up!

(Clicky on the titles to read the original review.)

10.  127 Hours

9. Winter’s Bone

8. Inception

7. The Kids Are Alright

6. The Social Network

5. Black Swan

4. The Fighter

3. Toy Story 3

2. True Grit

And the number one movie this year….drumroll please!!!!…what? No? What are you talking about it’s a boring choice? But what if it’s right? No. It is right! Get the drumroll! No…you’re right. Check that.

Cue Oscar winner Jamie Foxx featuring living legend Justin Timberlake with “Winner”. (And sorry…there’s no official vid.)

The Winner is….

1. The King’s Speech

If you’ve never scene it thinking that it would be just another stuffy royalty movie like The Queen, put that back in your “Stereotype Stereo” and give it a try. This movie is smart, entertaining, funny in the most unexpected way, and littered with brilliant performances that should earn Colin Firth a Best Actor win.

So am I done for this year with the Oscars?

Is Bob Saget as squeaky clean as his Danny Tanner character?

NO!

Tomorrow, I’ll be embarking on the most ambitious sacrifice anyone can do for the Oscars: sit through an ENTIRE broadcast beginning to end.

I will be…for the first time ever…using The Rankatron Twitter feed.

Click here to join and follow.

It shall begin 9pm AST (8pm EST) Sunday February 27, 2011. Together we can count how many drug references and hand references James Franco makes…and how many times Anne Hathaway looks hot.

Or not.

After I’m done, I’ll post the entire transcript on this website for you to enjoy…kinda.

So for now, I bid you all adieu and goodnight.

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OscaRank: This…is 127 Hours

9 02 2011

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiznit!!!!!!!

Here’s a question no one’s probably thought of: Who’s more badass Jack Bauer of 24 or the real-life Aron Ralston? Could Jack Bauer amputate his own arm to save himself to fight for another day? Possibly but it takes a certain kind of person with the calmness of a mid-west plain on a summer’s evening and uber-kind survival instincts.

Not many people would have the gumption to saw off a limb to save themselves even if the alternative is death. But wasn’t that the whole premise of the original Saw?

The difference being that unlike these two examples, what happened to Aron Ralston is true.

The exuberant Aron Ralston is such a person who could. His 5-day ordeal of being pinned in an isolated canyon in Canyonlands National Park in Utah with nothing but what he had in his backpack in 2003 supports this. How he managed to keep his head during such a dire situation should be the model in which anyone should follow in an emergency situation.

This is your primer: DON’T PANIC (like the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy says), analyze your situation, take time to figure out your tools immediately in hand (dull knife…check!), take breaks to do something different (i.e. daydream mostly), imagine about something in the outside world that would inspire you to carry on (this could be your children, that hot lady or dude, your family, your passion to complete your first novel, getting the Top Kill on Black Ops…whatever), and if all else fails, you can always chop your arm off with a dull knife.

The multi-talented James Franco (Pineapple Express, Spiderman 3) is Aron Ralston who demands attention on the screen for the entire time he appears…and he should. He’s there quite a bit. Franco rides the Ralston emotional roller-coaster as he deals with denial, sadness, fear, hallucinations, ecstasy, love, pain, acceptance and relief. I’ve always seen James Franco as one of those Hollywood stars who just hovered right below the upper-tier. One of those actors who were always excellent in any role they played but often came across as not having enough gravitas to headline a movie.

Think Johnny Depp before Edward Scissorhands (pun partially intended but conveniently discovered). Sure, Depp was making waves on 21 Jump Street…but who back then could say anything more about him other than he’s an amazing tv actor before he did that movie. Franco is in this same position.

127 Hours is his Edward Scissorhands.

Danny Boyle (who hit a homerun a couple years ago with Slumdog Millionaire) throws every directorial trick in his bag into this flick. Quick cuts, flashbacks, beautiful scenery shots, action shots, slow motion, bright colours, hectic editing…you name it, you can probably find it here. At times, this comes across as a director’s Promo Reel and feel overdone and unnecessary. But most times it balances perfectly with Ralston’s emotions throughout the film.

And fair warning: when Ralston eventually decides to cut off his hand, it is extremely graphic, shocking, bloody and horrifying. I still shudder to feel what Ralston might’ve been going through during that time.

127 Hours is an extremely entertaining flick but I question how worthy it is in the current field of Best Picture Oscar nominees. Franco’s range is incredible and I get how he got nominated for the Best Actor nod. The movie itself as a Best Picture….meh.

Might be a good reason to go back to only 5 best movies next year at the Oscars.

7.8 reasons to own a satellite phone at all times out of 10

Little known fact: "127 Hours" was the first role for "The Thing" since his Addam's Family stint.