Sing a little Elf tune

elf3

ELF is one of those Christmas movies that gets better with age. But I find that’s true with most Will Farrell movies I see. I didn’t appreciate him when I first watched him or this movie. There where two things that have stuck with me from this movie.

The first is this quote:

The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.

So let me Christmafy your Holidays with a few of my favourite Holiday music videos:

Santa-Claus-Sings-Musical-Improv-EverywhereImprov Everywhere’s Mall Santa Musical

 

weird al

Weird Al Yankovic’s The Night Santa Went Crazy

adam sandler

And finally, Adam-Sandler’s Hanukkah Song!

Oh right…and the SECOND thing I love about the movie Elf? This Angry Little Elf (from Westeros!)

Elf Peter Dinklage

8.4 Bags of Spaghetti and Maple Syrup out of 10

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I’m on Christmas Vacation!

Christmas Vacation

Well, not the actual National Lampoons Christmas Vacation…but my own personal Christmas Vacation has started and I figured this would be the perfect one to start on.

From the first time I saw this in the late 80’s, it’s been one of my all time favourite movies. Actually, for the majority of my life, it’s been that way.

But as I got older, it’s slowly started to drop down my list. I was a late comer to The Christmas Story (which I only saw for he first time in 2005ish) and The Christmas Story supplanted Christmas Vacation. Then I’d go through phases of Bill Murray’s Scrooged being my favourite. And then I discovered The Night Before with Seth Rogen…and now Christmas Vacation has dropped to #4 of my all time list.

Has it gotten worse? Is it not aging as well as the others? Or have my tastes changed? No. Sorta. And Yes.

Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase’s antics is still as timeless as ever.

Christmas vacation squirrel

But some parts that seemed like pushing the envelope now seems pedantic. Other movies have done it better since…but this was the first. And for that, it’ll always have a place in the Rushmore of Holiday Movies.

And yes…my tastes have changed. I enjoy Scrooged more. It speaks to me more than what Christmas Vacation does. And maybe that’ll change again.

That’s the amazingness of Christmas movies. There are so many different kinds that you’ll find a classic no matter how you feel.

So Griswold Family, don’t worry. You’ll never drop off my list. You’re all still awesome and dysfunctional that’ll always remind me of the Holidays of my youth. And I will forever laugh at this rant:

8 Moosehead Eggnog Mugs out of 10

The Grinch Saves Christmas From Star Wars

Grinch

Ok…I’m still recovering from yesterday’s traumatic ordeal involving the Star Wars Holiday Special. I was really skeptical that I’d be able to keep doing this. The Wookie Orb Ceremony almost sucked out my Christmas Life Force.

Star Wars grinch

I decided I needed to bring out a Big Christmas Gun. There was only one show that could fit the bill. One of the O.G.’s of Christmas: Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas.

There was no way in hell I was going to rely on Jim Carrey’s (not terrible) version. Here’s an incredible behind the scenes trailer of Jim Carrey losing himself in The Grinch:

I plugged in the original 1966 cartoon and it brought me back to my childhood. It brought me back to the days of looking out the window on Christmas Eve to see Rudolph’s red nose in the sky (SPOILER: it was the red light on top of an aerial tower way in the distance). It brought the time when one of my old childhood friends told me he saw Santa’s boot print by their Christmas tree. It brought back all the magic!

I’m back to bring this all home all the way back to Christmas Eve!

The Grinch saves Christmas again…from Star Wars!

10 Hearts Growing out of 10!

 grinch sled

Merry Life Day from Star Wars!

star wars holiday special

Why do I do this to myself?

Alright…in honour for Star Wars: The Last Jedi opening tonight (and since I’m not watching it til the weekend), I’m going to subject myself and you all to…(heavy sigh)…the Star Wars Holiday Special.

I’ve never watched this all the way through and it’s notoriously so bad that even George Lucas refuses to accept it’s happened.

So instead of a review of this, I’m going to let you all in on the ride as I’ll write this as I react live to the show.

Alright…let’s do this:

0:00 – Star Wars calling this Episode VII and 1/2. I somehow don’t think that this’ll be cannon.

0:01 – Still in the scroll. I forgot this was the first appearance of Bobba Fett…and Bea Arthur is in this?

0:03 – We have Hans Solo and Chewie in the Millenium Falcon with new dialogue intercut with a chase scene from Episode 7.

0:04 – Presented to you by General Motors! Wonder if GM denies this existence too. So far it’s alright. How long is this??? Oh God…

0:05 – We have Chewie’s family grunting and groaning at each other. This goes on for a long time….

0:09 – A LONG TIME.

0:09 – We have Chewie’s kid watching some acrobats on a 3D TV thingie. You’d think they’d have better entertainment. Then again I’m watching this.

0:11 – Hey it’s Luke and R2! They’re talking to The Chewies because Chewbacca still hasn’t shown up. Alright…this is where it starts to pick up and they go on an adventure to save Hans and Chewie!

0:13 – Nope. Luke just says they’ll show up sometime…no need to get worried. This is not the guy who saves the Rebellion yet…obviously. Alright…more of Chewies family.

0:14 – We cut to a Trading Post manned by a human (I’ll call him Trader Joe) there’s an Emperial Soldier walking around looking at stuff. Ok! This is where some kind of conflict will happen. So far nothing is happening!

0:17 – Nope. Emperial Soldier was just a jerk….and a GM Commercial Break!

0:18 – Ok the commercial with the truck that follows the crayon line is pretty cool. Trail Rider? I missed the name of the toy. Not worth rewinding this for.

0:19 – Finally! Hans and Chewie still outrunning the Empire! Ok…let’s get this show going! And it’s a cameo appearance of Darth Vader tracking the Falcon…business is about to pick up!!!

0:20 – And we’re back with the mesmerizing grunts of Chewie’s family…at this point, I wouldn’t be shocked if Jar-Jar shows up.

jar jar

0:25 – So roughly 5 minutes of Chewie’s Wife trying to follow a cooking show of a purple alien in drag where the running joke is that the alien keeps revealing an extra arm with every new step of the recipe. Chewie’s Wife is getting frustrated before she gives up. I feel ya Chewie’s Wife.

alien cook

0:31 – It’s Trader Joe from a bit ago. He gave Chewie’s grand-dad this device that goes over his head that looks like he’s getting his hair done. Nope…it’s making him trip out! THE LIGHTS! THE PRETTY LIGHTS!

(PS…I’ve lost track how long I’ve watched this…don’t trust the time stamp if you’re following along.)

0:32 – Ok…Granpa just created a girl in this and it’s turned into a soft core porn. (“I am your pleasure!”) I…don’t know what to say…

0:35 – This song by the girl reeks of 70’s…I hope we come back to Granpa cleaning himself off after his fantasy.

0:36 – Nope! (Probably a good thing) C3PO and Leia! The Chewie’s Wife one is complaining that Han and Chewie haven’t arrived yet.

0:38 – Nope. Leia seems to be unconcerned.

0:39 – And Hans and Chewie have arrived! And Chewie’s Family runs to the door…it’s STORMTROOPERS! What a twist? And off to commercial break!

0:39 – Commercial Break with All in the Family, and Dallas. And a weird commercial from a clothing makers union about jobs being sent overseas and singing (yes singing!) about buying local. The more things change…the more they stay the same. Ohhh…and a commercial about buying a phone! And what’s this? A movie just called “The Bible” on Saturday Night…that’ll be epic. A commercial with Reggie Jackson selling a chocolate bar! I want one it looks good…and we’re back!

0:42 – STORMTROOPERS and one of the leaders in Chewie’s home!!! Hope he doesn’t find Granpa’s questionable “Fantasy machine”.

0:45 – Trader Joe is doing his best to occupy and distract the bad guys…with a contraption that shows Jefferson Starship playing some song.  (Of course I found it online!) And they’re digging it! LOL! I wish I was making this up! I hope Jefferson Starship is in the new movie!

0:50 – Well, that bought them a few minutes…and they’re kicking Trader Joe out. The Search continues. So the whole point of the Jefferson Starship distraction was to…introduce Jefferson Starship.

0:52 – So to distract the kid, the mom puts a Star Wars cartoon on for him to watch while the StormTroopers do their thing. This is sooo meta! So…they made a cartoon of their friends for their kid to watch??? That would be like if I showed a cartoon of my friends at work for my kid to watch if she’s bored. This whole plot makes no sense!!!!

0:55 – It’s Bobba Fett in cartoon form!!! Riding a dinosaur! Why wasn’t this in any of the movies???

bobba fett

1:02 – So far this cartoon is infinitely better than the actual show! And the kid freaks out because of the twist in the cartoon…which causes the Emperial Leader to notice…and commercial break!

1:03 – GM commercial…definitely wants to you never forget who sponsors this. CBS News break…lets see what’s in the news. HAHA! So apparently 9 months ago there was a crazy blizzard where hospitals were expected to see a lot of babies…but so far that’s not been true. I love this. And a preview for a war movie called The Wild Geese. And we’re back!

1:07 – Kid is back to the cartoon. Bobba Fett is a double-crosser! Foreshadowing to Empire??

1:10 – And that’s the end of the Holiday Spec…oh wait…it’s just the cartoon. We’re back at the Chewies Family and the Stormtroopers are destroying the kids room to find…NOTHING!

1:11 – Awww the kid is crying because they destroyed his favourite toy.

1:12 – And the kid is watching TV up in his room about how to build a transmitter?? WHY GOD WHY????

1:25 – Commercial Break! Thank god… And we have Tobor the Robot toy “Tobor is robot spelled backwards”…that’s the tagline. Simpler times.

1:27 – And we’re back! The kid is still building the transmitter. And now we’re back downstairs to the Stormtroopers watching a “Reality TV Show” called “Life on Tattooine”. It’s literally B-footage of the Cantina scenes. Oh and Bea Arthur as a bartender!

1:28 – So this guy while a hole in his head is hitting on Bea Arthur BIG TIME! Dude is trying too hard! Creepy! Still not sure what ANY of this has to do with the Holidays let alone Life Day.

1:33 – Well, that was pointless. Oh Red Alert from the Empire putting a curfew on the whole Tatooine system. And we’re back at the bar but not part of the TV show they were watching. Bea Arthur is kicking people out of the Cantina. That’s this entire scene. Bea Arthur just kicking people out.

bea arthur

1:36 – Bea Arthur singing about “Goodnight but not Good Bye” at the Cantina. Ohhh…so those are the words of the bands Cantina song. Well, that’s an interesting thing to learn.

1:40 – So I guess the Stormtroopers WERE still watching to the show. And they just get a message from the HQ to “return to base” but it was sent from…the kid upstairs using his transmitter! They all leave except for one Stormtrooper who discovers the kid with his transmitter…and we’re into commercial!

1:41 – Commercial for The Wiz musical featuring Michael Jackson. Neat!

1:43 – And we’re back. The Stormtrooper is a jerk and destroys the transmitter. And Chewbacca and Han Solo come in for the save!

1:44 – And after that long trip to get there, Han Solo has to go back to the Falcon right away just so Chewie can get to his family. Well…thanks for coming out Han Solo!

1:45 – From the way Chewie’s Wife is looking at Chewie right now, they’re gonna get some tonight! But knock at the door!!!

1:46 – It’s Trader Joe! Wishing them a happy Life Day and other things…and he’s gone.

1:47 – Now the Chewie’s are holding some light bubble orbs and it’s getting all trippy. wait…they’re all wearing red robes and walking into the light now. Did they all just die??? NOOOOOO!!! CHEWIEE!!!!!

1:48 – Commercial Break. WTF just happened????? Is there going to be an answer after this break???? There must be. There HAS to be!!!

1:50 – Ok we’re at some kind of temple and there’s R2-D2 and C3PO…so they’re not dead??? I don’t understand how they got there. One was with Luke and the other was with Leia. Oh there’s Luke an Leia…and Han???? Didn’t he have to go???? I’m confused by this ending.

1:51 – Leia singing about Life Day. But this is to the tune of the Star Wars theme!??!?!? So are these the words to the Star Wars Theme???? NOOOOOO!!! LUCAS!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!!!!!!

1:53 – And now we have a montage from Star Wars: A New Hope…cuz why not?

1:54 – Another commercial break? How much can there be left? It seems like that should’ve been the ending. Oh hey, a cool commercial with some wicked Star Wars toys.

1:55 – And we’re back at the Chewie’s home around the dinner table. And that’s all they wrote!

That, my friends, was the Star Wars Holiday Special. I watched it so you’ll never need to!

I’m not going to lie…it was pretty bad except for the cartoon in the middle but that was only marginally better by default.

1.5 Life Orbs out of 10

So now go watch a better Star Wars movie called the Last Jedi! Or watch this…

Polar Express Post!

polar express

Like I foreshadowed on my original post, some of these blog posts will be short due to various reasons.

So this will be a quick blog post…and “Express” Post, as you could say…much like how the Express Post with Canada Post to get something delivered faster.

So this will be an Express Post about the Polar Express. (See what I did with the title of this post there?)

The last time I saw one actor play so many roles for one movie was Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor. Tom Hanks is EVERYWHERE in Polar Express!

Tom Hanks plays the Conductor (of course), Santa Claus, the Hobo Ghost, the main Boy character (!!!), the boy’s Father, and the Scrooge puppet!

polar express gif

And you know what? The world needs more Tom Hanks movies like this. Heck, the world needs more Tom Hanks period!

This is a fun (yet scientifically impossible) Christmas movie!

8 Jingle Bells out of 10

santa gif.gif

Just remember, the TRUE SPIRIT of Christmas lies in your heart -Santa Claus

SCROOGED! Yule Love It!

scrooged

SCROOGED is my all-time favourite Christmas movie. Bill Murray at his absolute comedic peak. Bobcat Goldthwaite still endearing and riding out on the popularity of the Police Academy movies. And I’m convinced the world needs more Carol Kane (who’s skills are now on the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt). So I won’t verbally assault you with my biased opinion.

Instead, let’s explore the three parodies that appear and rank them in legit watchability if they were really made. If you don’t remember them, watch this clip:

THE NIGHT THE REINDEER DIED – A Christmas action adventure starring Lee Majors. I feel that if this was made today, we’d see David Hasselhoff in this role. I think with the right budget and right director, this could be a fun movie. Heck…if Die Hard can be a Christmas movie, this qualifies too! 7.5 Incoming Missiles out of 10.

A BOB GOULET’S OLD FASHIONED CAJUN CHRISTMASIf Will Farrell impersonates Robert Goulet like he did on SNL signing Christmas tunes, I’m all in! 7 Jambalayas out of 10.

FATHER LOVES BEAVER – Interesting premise…not sure it’s exactly Christmassy…so pass. 2 Beaver Cleaver’s out of 10.

SCROOGE (LIVE) – With the success of live musicals such as Grease and Hairspray being shown on TV, I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before something like this happens. Not sure if Mary-Lou Retton could still pull off the flips but I’d give it a try! 7.6 Mice With Reindeer Antlers out of 10

As for Scrooged itself, a solid 10 Bill Murray Improvisations out of 10!

FA-RA-RA-RA-RALPHIE’S CHRISTMAS STORY

Christmas Story

So I’m going to admit 2 things here right up front:

  1. I absolute LOVE A Christmas Story.
  2. There’s NO WAY IN FUDGIN’ HELL that it would get made today. (Except I didn’t say “FUDGIN”)

 

So let’s start with the over-the-top caricatures of Asians working at a Chinese Food restaurant singing Fa-la-la-la-la to Ralphie’s family on Christmas Eve because Christmas dinner was ruined. There’s ZERO chance this scene makes it into the final cut of the film.

Let’s also notice the glaring sexualisation of women in the form of a lamp (It’s a MAJOR AWARD!).

Major Award

This wouldn’t be in it either because does the fact that it’s a “Woman’s Leg” lamp add anything to the tackiness of the gift? If this was made today, the lamp would take the form of some elephant or vaguely shaped phallic symbol.

And a kid pretending to shoot things with a gun??? Ok…we live in the age of the Walking Dead. This would be fine.

But the fun of this story is that every character is a caricature as seen by a 9 year old boy. Are some of things offensive to an adult? Maybe. Are these same things offensive to a kid? It probably doesn’t even cross their mind. Children live their lives in broad strokes and not in the nuances.

This is Ralphie’s Christmas Story…and that’s why this is still timeless (even if it’s a 1950’s era movie made in the 1980’s)…and it’s why all of this is okay.

So put on your favourite pair of pink bunny PJs, grab a fresh glass of Ovaltine, and watch an 80’s classic.

Oh…and don’t shoot your eye out, kid!

9.5 Surly Santa’s out of 10

shoot eye