Why do I do this to myself?
Alright…in honour for Star Wars: The Last Jedi opening tonight (and since I’m not watching it til the weekend), I’m going to subject myself and you all to…(heavy sigh)…the Star Wars Holiday Special.
I’ve never watched this all the way through and it’s notoriously so bad that even George Lucas refuses to accept it’s happened.
So instead of a review of this, I’m going to let you all in on the ride as I’ll write this as I react live to the show.
Alright…let’s do this:
0:00 – Star Wars calling this Episode VII and 1/2. I somehow don’t think that this’ll be cannon.
0:01 – Still in the scroll. I forgot this was the first appearance of Bobba Fett…and Bea Arthur is in this?
0:03 – We have Hans Solo and Chewie in the Millenium Falcon with new dialogue intercut with a chase scene from Episode 7.
0:04 – Presented to you by General Motors! Wonder if GM denies this existence too. So far it’s alright. How long is this??? Oh God…
0:05 – We have Chewie’s family grunting and groaning at each other. This goes on for a long time….
0:09 – A LONG TIME.
0:09 – We have Chewie’s kid watching some acrobats on a 3D TV thingie. You’d think they’d have better entertainment. Then again I’m watching this.
0:11 – Hey it’s Luke and R2! They’re talking to The Chewies because Chewbacca still hasn’t shown up. Alright…this is where it starts to pick up and they go on an adventure to save Hans and Chewie!
0:13 – Nope. Luke just says they’ll show up sometime…no need to get worried. This is not the guy who saves the Rebellion yet…obviously. Alright…more of Chewies family.
0:14 – We cut to a Trading Post manned by a human (I’ll call him Trader Joe) there’s an Emperial Soldier walking around looking at stuff. Ok! This is where some kind of conflict will happen. So far nothing is happening!
0:17 – Nope. Emperial Soldier was just a jerk….and a GM Commercial Break!
0:18 – Ok the commercial with the truck that follows the crayon line is pretty cool. Trail Rider? I missed the name of the toy. Not worth rewinding this for.
0:19 – Finally! Hans and Chewie still outrunning the Empire! Ok…let’s get this show going! And it’s a cameo appearance of Darth Vader tracking the Falcon…business is about to pick up!!!
0:20 – And we’re back with the mesmerizing grunts of Chewie’s family…at this point, I wouldn’t be shocked if Jar-Jar shows up.
0:25 – So roughly 5 minutes of Chewie’s Wife trying to follow a cooking show of a purple alien in drag where the running joke is that the alien keeps revealing an extra arm with every new step of the recipe. Chewie’s Wife is getting frustrated before she gives up. I feel ya Chewie’s Wife.
0:31 – It’s Trader Joe from a bit ago. He gave Chewie’s grand-dad this device that goes over his head that looks like he’s getting his hair done. Nope…it’s making him trip out! THE LIGHTS! THE PRETTY LIGHTS!
(PS…I’ve lost track how long I’ve watched this…don’t trust the time stamp if you’re following along.)
0:32 – Ok…Granpa just created a girl in this and it’s turned into a soft core porn. (“I am your pleasure!”) I…don’t know what to say…
0:35 – This song by the girl reeks of 70’s…I hope we come back to Granpa cleaning himself off after his fantasy.
0:36 – Nope! (Probably a good thing) C3PO and Leia! The Chewie’s Wife one is complaining that Han and Chewie haven’t arrived yet.
0:38 – Nope. Leia seems to be unconcerned.
0:39 – And Hans and Chewie have arrived! And Chewie’s Family runs to the door…it’s STORMTROOPERS! What a twist? And off to commercial break!
0:39 – Commercial Break with All in the Family, and Dallas. And a weird commercial from a clothing makers union about jobs being sent overseas and singing (yes singing!) about buying local. The more things change…the more they stay the same. Ohhh…and a commercial about buying a phone! And what’s this? A movie just called “The Bible” on Saturday Night…that’ll be epic. A commercial with Reggie Jackson selling a chocolate bar! I want one it looks good…and we’re back!
0:42 – STORMTROOPERS and one of the leaders in Chewie’s home!!! Hope he doesn’t find Granpa’s questionable “Fantasy machine”.
0:45 – Trader Joe is doing his best to occupy and distract the bad guys…with a contraption that shows Jefferson Starship playing some song. (Of course I found it online!) And they’re digging it! LOL! I wish I was making this up! I hope Jefferson Starship is in the new movie!
0:50 – Well, that bought them a few minutes…and they’re kicking Trader Joe out. The Search continues. So the whole point of the Jefferson Starship distraction was to…introduce Jefferson Starship.
0:52 – So to distract the kid, the mom puts a Star Wars cartoon on for him to watch while the StormTroopers do their thing. This is sooo meta! So…they made a cartoon of their friends for their kid to watch??? That would be like if I showed a cartoon of my friends at work for my kid to watch if she’s bored. This whole plot makes no sense!!!!
0:55 – It’s Bobba Fett in cartoon form!!! Riding a dinosaur! Why wasn’t this in any of the movies???
1:02 – So far this cartoon is infinitely better than the actual show! And the kid freaks out because of the twist in the cartoon…which causes the Emperial Leader to notice…and commercial break!
1:03 – GM commercial…definitely wants to you never forget who sponsors this. CBS News break…lets see what’s in the news. HAHA! So apparently 9 months ago there was a crazy blizzard where hospitals were expected to see a lot of babies…but so far that’s not been true. I love this. And a preview for a war movie called The Wild Geese. And we’re back!
1:07 – Kid is back to the cartoon. Bobba Fett is a double-crosser! Foreshadowing to Empire??
1:10 – And that’s the end of the Holiday Spec…oh wait…it’s just the cartoon. We’re back at the Chewies Family and the Stormtroopers are destroying the kids room to find…NOTHING!
1:11 – Awww the kid is crying because they destroyed his favourite toy.
1:12 – And the kid is watching TV up in his room about how to build a transmitter?? WHY GOD WHY????
1:25 – Commercial Break! Thank god… And we have Tobor the Robot toy “Tobor is robot spelled backwards”…that’s the tagline. Simpler times.
1:27 – And we’re back! The kid is still building the transmitter. And now we’re back downstairs to the Stormtroopers watching a “Reality TV Show” called “Life on Tattooine”. It’s literally B-footage of the Cantina scenes. Oh and Bea Arthur as a bartender!
1:28 – So this guy while a hole in his head is hitting on Bea Arthur BIG TIME! Dude is trying too hard! Creepy! Still not sure what ANY of this has to do with the Holidays let alone Life Day.
1:33 – Well, that was pointless. Oh Red Alert from the Empire putting a curfew on the whole Tatooine system. And we’re back at the bar but not part of the TV show they were watching. Bea Arthur is kicking people out of the Cantina. That’s this entire scene. Bea Arthur just kicking people out.
1:36 – Bea Arthur singing about “Goodnight but not Good Bye” at the Cantina. Ohhh…so those are the words of the bands Cantina song. Well, that’s an interesting thing to learn.
1:40 – So I guess the Stormtroopers WERE still watching to the show. And they just get a message from the HQ to “return to base” but it was sent from…the kid upstairs using his transmitter! They all leave except for one Stormtrooper who discovers the kid with his transmitter…and we’re into commercial!
1:41 – Commercial for The Wiz musical featuring Michael Jackson. Neat!
1:43 – And we’re back. The Stormtrooper is a jerk and destroys the transmitter. And Chewbacca and Han Solo come in for the save!
1:44 – And after that long trip to get there, Han Solo has to go back to the Falcon right away just so Chewie can get to his family. Well…thanks for coming out Han Solo!
1:45 – From the way Chewie’s Wife is looking at Chewie right now, they’re gonna get some tonight! But knock at the door!!!
1:46 – It’s Trader Joe! Wishing them a happy Life Day and other things…and he’s gone.
1:47 – Now the Chewie’s are holding some light bubble orbs and it’s getting all trippy. wait…they’re all wearing red robes and walking into the light now. Did they all just die??? NOOOOOO!!! CHEWIEE!!!!!
1:48 – Commercial Break. WTF just happened????? Is there going to be an answer after this break???? There must be. There HAS to be!!!
1:50 – Ok we’re at some kind of temple and there’s R2-D2 and C3PO…so they’re not dead??? I don’t understand how they got there. One was with Luke and the other was with Leia. Oh there’s Luke an Leia…and Han???? Didn’t he have to go???? I’m confused by this ending.
1:51 – Leia singing about Life Day. But this is to the tune of the Star Wars theme!??!?!? So are these the words to the Star Wars Theme???? NOOOOOO!!! LUCAS!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!!!!!!
1:53 – And now we have a montage from Star Wars: A New Hope…cuz why not?
1:54 – Another commercial break? How much can there be left? It seems like that should’ve been the ending. Oh hey, a cool commercial with some wicked Star Wars toys.
1:55 – And we’re back at the Chewie’s home around the dinner table. And that’s all they wrote!
That, my friends, was the Star Wars Holiday Special. I watched it so you’ll never need to!
I’m not going to lie…it was pretty bad except for the cartoon in the middle but that was only marginally better by default.
1.5 Life Orbs out of 10
So now go watch a better Star Wars movie called the Last Jedi! Or watch this…