Random Ranks For January 18, 2010

THE DANA CARVEY SHOW (7.8 supple teats out of 10)

Eight shows ever made…only a total 7 aired. Sponsors got frightened off faster than W. on a straight answer.  Maybe because he was a little too risqué for his 9:30pm slot. Maybe because he threw out the f-bomb a few too many times for ABC Primetime. Maybe because his opening sketch involved the sitting President (Bill Clinton) suckling puppies, kitties, and babies upon his teats. But those of you who were lucky enough to notice this blip on the radar in the Spring of ’96 not only witnessed a  show that was the model of many cable sketch shows nowadays (The Human Giant, Hot Box), it was also the introduction to future household comedy names like Steve Carrell, Stephen Colbert, and Robert Smigel (who debuted the first episode of “The Ambiguously Gay Duo” that later found fame on SNL).

BRET FAVRE’S 2009 RESURGENCE (9 Old Man Powers out of 10)

Forty isn’t old…but it’s ancient in NFL terms…and dog years. To many, his wishy-washy ways have soiled his legacy. Retire. Not Retire. Retire. Not Retire. I think Favre has finally found a way to get out of legally binding contracts. Simply convince the world you’re going to retire…have “second thoughts” over the summer…and resign with a team with a chance to get another ring. Now, I would normally agree with all of those Favre-Naysayers who tout that he’s desecrating on his storied history by doing some late-career team jumping. But he’s playing his BEST football in his career this year. I didn’t like all of his flip-flopping but if the guy can still bring it, I’d be happy to watch one final Favre game. As of this writing, he’s got a 25% chance of winning the Superbowl. If he does, I suspect he’ll call it a career. If not, we’ll see him back in the Vikes uniform one last time. This isn’t “Jordan in a Wizards uniform” territory. This if Favre at his best. Enjoy it folks. Who can get mad at a guy who does this after a game?

…and speaking of Pants on the Ground…

“PANTS ON THE GROUND” GUY – (10 William Hung’s out of 10)

This is the best American Idol audition since William Hung did his version of Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs”. Ladies and gents, I present to you sixty-two year old General Larry Pratt…

EARTHQUAKES (0.1 Ground Rumblings out of 10)

Stop shaking up the Earth! It’s messing up our stuff!

Take a look at the earthquakes over 6.8 Magnitude that have hit over the past 6 months:

  1. January 12 – Haiti – 7.0 (followed by a 5.9 aftershock)
  2. January 5 – Solomon Islands – 6.8
  3. January 3 – Solomon Islands – 7.1 (preceded by a 6.8 an hour earlier)
  4. November 24 – Tonga – 6.8
  5. November 9 – Fiji – 7.3
  6. October 30 – Ryukyu Islands, Japan – 6.8
  7. October 24 – Banda Sea – 6.9
  8. October 8 – Vanatu – 6.8
  9. October 7 – Vanatu – 7.4
  10. October 7 – Santa Cruz Islands – 7.8
  11. October 7 – Vanatu – 7.7
  12. October 7 – Celebes Sea 6.8
  13. September 30 – Southern Sumatra, Indonesia – 7.5
  14. September 29 – Samoa Islands – 8.1
  15. September 2 – Java, Indonesia – 7.0
  16. August 28 – Banda Sea – 6.9
  17. August 10 – Andaman Islands, India – 7.5
  18. August 9 – South coast of Honshu, Japan – 7.1
  19. August 3 – Gulf of California – 6.9
  20. July 15 – West Coast of South Island, New Zealand – 7.8

In addition, there were hundreds of quakes that are over 5 Magnitude.

My point: We have to clean up the Earthquake’s messes. The Haitian Earthquake is only one of many serious ones to hit the past year (and every year). Some are more devastating than others. Go find your local Red Cross and help out.


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